Tom Kertes

Last night was another bad election night for gay and lesbian Americans, and for those who support inclusion and diversity in American cultural and civic life. Maine became the 31st state to vote against extending marriage to same-sex couples. While Washington state voted in favour of keeping domestic partnerships, a welcome “not step backwards”, its vote also serves as reminder of the 2nd class status of gays and lesbians in much of America.

The bad news of Maine’s vote against same-sex marriage makes be think about what’s at stake. Why does this issue matter and why should we fight for same-sex marriage? The photo above illustrates one perspective on the “why it matters” question. I agree with the aim of the women holding the sign – as she is fighting to extend marriage to same-sex couples in Maine. But I disagree with the message of the sign, or the means toward achieving this aim inherent in the sign’s meaning.

Marriage is not a freedom. Its not really even a right. I don’t think we have a “right to marriage” or the “freedom to marriage”. Marriage is a civil institution with deep cultural, economic and (often) religious roots, but if the institution of marriage were ended for everyone tomorrow, I don’t think we’d all have been denied a basic right in the absence of marriage for all. If there is any right to marriage, it is more a right to property, linked in some ways historically both to the right to the property of women (in some instances respecting and protecting women’s power over property) and the right of women as property (the opposite). The fight for marriage equality is not so much about these historical roots of marriage, even though it builds on the very practical nature of marriage in terms of property and social partnerships. Why we organize much of society and family life in pairs, and why this is of such benefit to many people, is a bigger question than a simple slogan on sign can likely address. But it’s not the lack of complexity in the sign that bothers me about the sign, but rather the message itself, its value of “freedom” and the related “right to marry” message of the sign.

Extending marriage to gay and lesbian couples is a choice between inclusion and exclusion, and is about the value of treating people with respect and dignity. We don’t all have a right to marry, but we do have a right to respect and treatment worthy our our inherent human dignity. I think that those who oppose same-sex marriage understand this, and that is the main reason why they are so opposed to both marriage and domestic partnership for same-sex couples. The organizers against these changes in family law want to exclude us from society. They oppose the inclusion of gays and lesbians in society in general, including its family institutions. At the very personal level they even shun, shame and exclude their own family members and neighbours on the basis of our sexuality. At the societal level they oppose inclusion of gays and lesbians in popular culture and media, in civic life (as leaders), in education (as teachers, caregivers) and in law (such as in family law).

What I think the sign should say is this:

“We want to be included in society,
and we want to be respected for who we are.
Include us. Respect us.”

I don’t want to be excluded from the basic institutions of society. I don’t want to be shunned from public life, prevented from participating in cultural life, excluded from my chosen profession or otherwise pushed out and excluded. I want to be respected as a person, to be treated with decency and to be afforded the same opportunities that all persons are entitled to. I want everyone to be treated with respect and dignity, and that includes how I am treated and how I treat others. I want to live in an inclusive society, that welcomes everyone to the table of cultural life and supports inclusion as much as is practically possible for everyone.

Finally, I think that “freedom” and “rights” messages leave out another important value that should be central to the debate over same-sex marriage, and that is the value of diversity. Our culture should embrace and include differences, not impose conformity. We should be inclusive of differences, not only because everyone deserves to be respected for who they are, but also because everyone benefits when our society is diverse, vibrant and inclusive.